Humor me – My 10 Commandments for Writing

There are thousands of books, articles and papers written to tell you how to write; they include such things as minimizing adverbial usage; having a clear voice; and. of course having a plot. Here is my top 10 list.

How many trees have to fall for you to hear them? Yes this picture has absolutely nothing to do with the article.

1. Writers write stuff and authors author stuff: if you do neither then you should not have the title. If I don’t kill people, then I am not a killer (and if I’m not chaining people to beds and whipping them, then I guess I’ve missed the mommy porn fan club).2. No story is new under the sun- have you recently read a book and thought you saw it on an episode of something on the CW? Chances are that what you’ve encountered is an example of the universal consciousness. If you happen to come to understand what it is and how Hollywood brings out six movies with the same plot and no one talks about plagiarism…well I’m at a loss too.

3. Birds of a feather flock together and poop sticks to shoes. If you step in it in your story, you’re going to have to figure out a way to clean it up. Remember poop stinks and you’re on dirty poopy stinky shoe duty.

4. Laugh at yourself before others can laugh at you. Have you ever been somewhere and come across the person who couldn’t laugh without removing the stick from their hind parts? Well, laughter can cure all things, even pain in the rears. Laugh as much as you can and when someone calls the cops on you for being too jovial, remind them of Commandment number one.Tell them that it is research and allowed under the description of being an author.

5. Birds fly, cats meow and you’re going to write crap. Now that we’re bring up crap again, please know and accept that greatness takes time.  It took God 6 days to create this mess and afterwards he needed a day off! What a great example of the author’s calendar. On 6 days we create and on day 7, it is all about relaxing.

6. See number 5.

7. Don’t talk that crazy -ish! Okay that was the closest of me speaking “cool”, like I’m in the know. When reviews, critics or even your best friend’s mother on your dad’s side gives you the side eye, don’t pick up a chair and hit her across the head! Instead create a murder scene killing her in 10 different ways. You could call the story How I Killed the Crazy Side Eyeing Bitch and Got Away with It. Total best seller!

8. Whoot there it is – groupies and the written word. Just ask Shakespear and you’d know how some writers have groupies ten deep. It can be worse than editing to have to turn down all the imaginery come ons. I mean think about it. Don’t you love to hear it when a man says he loves your syntax. How do I combat that? Talk about punctuation?

9. Gold diggers are fun until they realize the gold you are digging for is in their brains. Life is filled with fodder. I think if I could record every second of my adventure, it would so top Magic Mike, but then again I have neither a stripper pole nor tons of dollars to make it rain. Okay, as a consolation prize, I’ll just take the lovely Joe home.

10. Sugar is sweet but boy does good humor give you a high. Regardless of where you may be in the writing-publishing wash cycle make sure to enjoy the swirly whirly fun. Appreciate the spin and then do it all again.

Thanks for reading my take on writing and how to jump through hoops in order to fulfill the dreams of your 12 year old self. I pray that these Commandments have given you some enlightenment, even if it is just into the depths and twists and turns in my gray matter. Remember: if you can’t beat them, then try harder.


About Me: I am the author of THOU SHALL NOT. I love creating three dimensional characters and am always looking for new people to kill…in my stories.

Check out my official blog at and my book is available at Amazon andBarnes and Noble. You can also connect with me on Facebook and on Twitter.

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